To hold hands...

Her eyes were drooping. People around her were telling things to her but she could barely comprehend what they were. All she realized was that this was another one of her worse days, hopefully not the worst. She would be nauseated for the rest of the day, also vomitting and having a splitting headache. I am only 5 years old, she wondered. Kids her age would still be basking in the summer sun, after all it was their school break. The closest she had gotten to a vacation were through the pictures of her brother when he was her age. The intensity of her sickness increased with each of her visits to this place. She dreaded the room she was about to enter. She was on her way to chemotherapy.

From the time she could remember she had been a patient at this child cancer hospital. She liked the people here. They were nice and always treated her with chocolates. But there was something daunting about the place. For one, she did not like the smell of the place. There were too many kids being carried on wheelchairs and almost all these kids were bald. She wondered why this was so. Every month her parents used to bring her here. She always thought that it was a family ritual just like ordering pizzas on Friday. And yet, this was somehow painful. She had been told that she had leukemia. She had yet to learn the spelling.

Most of these visits resulted in some syringe incident. It was her brother who had stood by her through all these tests and syringes. Though he was just 3 years elder to her, she had never seen a more courageous person. He would salways be there and hold her hands while the nurse took her blood. It is he who held her tighlty when she had nightmares. He completed her school work when she was too tired and ill to finish it herself. He always knew what to get her for her birthdays, Winnie the Pooh being her latest addiction. He was more than a brother to her.

But there had been something bothering everyone at home after a particular hospital visit. She could sense it. As naive as she could be, she posed the question to her brother. This was the first time he was groping for an answer. Somehow his better judgement told him to be honest with her. He told her how the doctor had said that her condition was becoming worse with every passing day and that they should go in for chemotherapy. This meant that she would miss school more often, find herself spending more time in the hospital and feeling eternally tired. But this might prove better for her in the long run. She did not understand much of any of this. All she asked him was, 'Will you still be there holding my hand?'

She reached the radiation room. He let go of her hand. This is where they separated, she knew. After all, this might eventually give her the childhood she had always dreamt about.

She held her Winnie the Pooh tightly and let out a huge sigh. Yes, she was ready for it.

Through the window

From the dorm window, they saw. A final glimpse of their friend- those little fingers holding onto the stranger's hand tightly, those little eyes gleaming with happiness and those little laughs still bringing smiles to the people around. She was more than their friend- a gift from God, a little sister. This was her best hope to a new life, they knew. She was always a bundle of joy, even more when she knew that she was being taken out of the four walls that surrounded her home. This was one such time for her, she was too little to understand it all.

Amidst all this, there was one girl who was sitting by the stairs, not wanting  this moment to pass. She had gone through days like these, seeing her friends saying good-bye but never ever did she think that her best buddy would be one among those. It was this little kid that had made her life wonderful. Though she was just 3 years older, she was almost like a mother. That was the bond they both shared. Ananya was her baby.

Last day morning, Ananya ran into her room saying that she would be going away for a couple of days. Yes, that lady who had come to their home a couple of days back had promised to take her out. Ananya was elated but this girl knew that this was the longest journey Ananya was about to take. She put on her bravest face and continued to feel happy. Indeed, this was a joyous moment for she realized that it was the best opportunity for her Ananya. But this also meant an end of an era, 3 years of life as she knew it.

She clearly remembered the day Ananya came into her life. She was just two and a half years old when her home was this orphanage. She had been living there all her life and never wondered why kids came and went. It was at this point that Ananya became a part of their family. Nothing short of a doll, she was. When she took Ananya in her arms, the little giggle that passed through Ananya's lips was the most magical thing she had seen.  And at that very second, their journey started. Every moment of their waking day, they spent together. And since all her friends were elder to her, she was happy to finally have a younger sister to look after. They had nothing that they didn't share with each other.

But the most intimate thoughts she had shared with Ananya were her dreams, dreams of going to a school like any normal child, of having a play ground, of having birthday parties and cakes, but most of all, dreams of having a parent or a family to love. She couldn't even start to imagine what having a mother would be like. Those good morning kisses that could take you through an entire day, then dressing her up as a princess for school, dropping her off and reminding her to have her lunch (her favourites), waiting for her after school, playing with her in the evening and finally kissing her good night. The closest she had gotten to these were in movies. And yet in all these dreams, she still held Ananya's hands.

The children by the window said their final goodbyes and continued on with their playing. Yet, at this very moment she felt lost. Happy at Ananya having found a new home and dejected at not having been the one holding Ananya's hand. She felt guilty at not having participated in Ananya's happiness whole-heartedly. A tear rolled down her cheek. The next instant, Ananya was right there wiping that tear. Yes, she had come back to give her sister a good bye kiss, to promise to get her a gift from where ever the stranger was taking her and to be back soon so as not miss too much around her sister's life. At this point, all she could do was hug her Ananya and pray for her future.

She will miss her little angel, much beyond words could express. And there was something else words can't express, when would she be the chosen one?

Of grit, guts and gumption...

Yes, finally, she thought. This vacation was her much-needed break from her hectic life. Even then she was considering working from home while she looked around in her compartment. She wouldn’t call it empty, yes, there were people around her. She found these journeys boring, always alone, looking out of the train but seeing nothing but thick mists of darkness and waiting for the last stop. Tonight was no different.

She sat there flipping through the pages of Femina.  One by one, the passengers got out and soon she was left all alone. She never gave it a second thought, after all this generally happened. An hour from her place, a couple of boys, not even adults, boarded the train. Finding the girl alone, they thought of having some fun. Passing lewd remarks and making obscene gestures, they tried to frighten her. She ignored them until they started taunting her by asking her to move to another compartment. She refused to budge. The verbal attacks became more personal by the minute. She held her seat and as calmly as she could, she took her mobile phone and dialled the Railway helpline number. Soon, she was talking to an operator and was starting to explain the incident. Realizing where this was heading, the boys silently retreated and moved to the next compartment. She hung up the cleverly-played never-dialled number. This is my right, she thought

*Grit?*

An awesome night, she thought. She was riding through the city with the wind blowing through her hair, the rain lashing down on her face and the chillness creeping up her spine. It had been four months since she last did something like this and hence was enjoying this delightful night ride. She had had her dinner at home and kissed her parents good night. A note, mentioning that she was just taking a breath of fresh air and that she would be back before midnight, was all that she had left at home in case someone did search for her. It is not as if her parents wouldn’t allow her this indulgence as long as she promised herself to be safe.

Her watch showed 11.40 p.m.  , now, and as if by instinct she felt a sudden fear which she soon overcame as being silly. She drove around all those familiar places from her childhood, renewing every single memory that lay deep down within her.  Nothing under the sun (moon, in this case) could stop her from living the moment. After all, it is not every other day in any place that it is possible for a 21 year old girl to venture out alone at night. This is my right, she thought.

*Guts?*

She hurried her way home through the deserted streets along with her friend. It was past midnight and both of them would have rather preferred to have been in the comforts of their homes. Today was one of those days- work started at 7 in the morning, attending meetings and calls for more than 15 hours, one leading to the other. Since both of them were neighbours they always took the same bus home.

The bus was empty save for the conductor and the driver. At least I have company, she thought. They spent their time discussing anything and everything including office gossip. There wasn’t anything much to do at this point of time. At the next stop, a bunch of teenage guys entered the bus looking totally drunk and verbally abusing each other. They took a good look at her and settled in the seats all around her. Perspiration beads started forming on her forehead.  She squirmed about in her seat worrying about where this bus journey would take her.  And to top all of that, the conductor was also sneering at them. She took out her cell and sent the bus registration number to a colleague’s number. She did not know what prompted her to do that, but she did it. The journey seemed shorter, probably because of her nervousness. They got down and started walking in silence. She suddenly took a deviation and walked on. He called behind her, but she was very determined. He ran behind her and kept asking her about where she was headed. She turned and said “Police Station”. The look on her face said it all. This is my right, she thought

*Gumption?*

Yes, she knows she could have been the unfortunate one. And yet, by some miracle it had not been so. It could be today or tomorrow. But till then she continues to live in the cocoon called her life with a silent prayer on her lips thanking God for the miracle.